Hi, Debbie Moran here again with a brief description of my personal experience with Kundalini Awakening
KUNDALINI – MY OWN EXPERIENCE:
I am writing this simply because I cannot not write it…. There is some desire in me that must be expressed and must be shared. I do not need to be witnessed nor do I need anyone else to validate my experience. It is what it is and as strange as it seems
I cannot deny it..
I have known all along I would share yet there were times when I wasn’t even sure I would be around to share. I truly felt at times it would do me in and I would cross to the other side without anyone even noticing. At times the heat was so intense I understood spontaneous combustion and yet it felt I was suspended in time somehow in “between” that actual experience and not quite able to cross over. It felt like I was literally burning up from the inside out. And that was just one of the ways this awakening manifested in me. Other "symptoms" that showed up, as if that weren’t enough, a sensation of things crawling inside of me and often feeling as if I was being attacked from within because there would be sudden sharp stabbing pains as if something literally was stabbing or biting me from within.
So, here goes part of "my story" and I will keep the names of others anonymous for their own respect and privacy.
I came to Sarasota in 2004. I thought it was to further my career and build the BodyTalk Matrix. I had been traveling from Tampa to Sarasota almost weekly it seemed from 1998 until then, taking class after class and workshop after workshop and Satsung after Satsung, seeking myself, the God within me. That had always been a driving force in me from the moment my “crushed head” appeared outside the apparent womb of my mother. But that, is another story for a later time. So I drove continuously, in search of myself, but not truly understanding that, because it was always superceeded by this intense need to make a difference in this world. I always knew I was empathic and literally “felt” the pains of the world. So some”thing” in me kept me continuously searching. I was later to discover there was an actual term for this and we were called “miserable seekers”…
Finally, after killing my car from the constant driving back and forth, I decided to pack up my few belongings and move to Sarasota, where BodyTalk was headquartered. I thought surely I could make a difference here and build this area. It never made sense to me that we were headquartered here and yet there were very few actual practitioners.
So, here I am in Sarasota and my friend invites me to move in with her. Unbeknownst to me, she had also made this invitation to another Breakthrough person, who also took her up on her offer. Suddenly, the 3 of us have moved in together and all 3 are training to be Breakthrough Instructors (another modality that strongly influences the philosophy behind BodyTalk). Three Pisces women all training in Breakthrough. Whew... Suddenly, it was like all of heaven and hell broke loose for the 3 of us. (Breakthrough btw, is a fabulous system that allows you to uncover root issues that trigger you and get more in touch with your authentic Self. For more info, either go to www.bodytalksytem.com or feel free to get in touch with me).
Very quickly I realized I needed to move and found a place nearby where one of my roommates ended up moving in with me. I won't go into the details of our lives and I will tell you we are all 3 still friends.
During this time, I was in Breakthrough training and PaRama BodyTalk Training, I began a type of Trancendental Meditation and meditated 2 hours a day, plus thankfully I had my Nia practice and dance friends which I attribute a great deal to keeping me sane, at least to the outside world.
I won’t go into greater detail about my friends or personal life but I will share with you the immensity of this experience called kundalini and just how it manifested in me.
I do believe the process began for me way before Sarasota. While I was living in Tampa and even throughout my entire life I had experiences I didn’t feel I could share with anyone else, and may save them for a later time if appropriate. For now, I am being called to share this (it’s 340am and I was “told” get up and write) because it is important for someone, I don’t know who, maybe it’s you, to read this story and know that no, you aren’t crazy, or maybe you are but at least you have company in your insanity. Or perhaps you’ve suffered so much physical pain, you don’t feel you’ll ever recover…. Well, I’m here to tell you the body, like Mother Earth, has a resiliency you don’t need to understand, you simply need to acknowledge it and allow the magic to unfold. Your body is constantly renewing itself and we are constantly evolving and being upgraded, much like our computer systems are continuously being upgraded. Trust, that this is part of your evolution, as it is part of the earth’s evolution and know that not only will you recover, you will rebuild into a better “model" of yourself. It is your destiny and the destiny of the earth.
When I moved to Sarasota and moved into Sweetland Avenue, I was amazed at the synchronicities in my life. Suddenly I was living in Sarasota, in a wonderful house on a street named Sweetland, which I drove by one day, noticed the name and literally said out loud, “Sweetland, I want to live on Sweetland”. Less than a week, I did. But it wasn’t always, “sweet”, at least I didn’t always perceive it that way. Another amazing thing I noticed was that I had been born in Lancaster, PA right in the middle of Amish & Pennsylvania Dutch country, and suddenly I was living in Amish & Pennsylvania Dutch country in Sarasota Florida. Instantly I felt this surreal aspect of my life, knowing I was in the right place, but not yet knowing why.
My roommates moved out after a year. I continued my personal path all the while feeling my house on Sweetland was somehow helping me heal my roots, my foundation. For the first time ever, I lived in a house (not an apartment) by myself, a full fledged grown up, taking responsibility for myself, my house, my life. I was and am very grateful for these experiences and this house that so beautifully served me. It is in retrospect, the shattering of my past, the healing of my misperceived wounds and the building of a trust that my foundation is solid and
all is well.
During my Breakthrough Training and all the additional BodyTalk classes I took, I began my meditation of an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I went through a few fleeting but painful relationships, and I worked, I taught, I studied, I practiced, I meditated, I danced. This was pretty much my life. I felt an inner peace that was always present while I went through tumultuous times internally. To the outside world, I had it all together. I helped other people and the whole time I was having my own experiences, which became more and more intense.
During the first PaRama practical at Omega I had a truly alchemical experience. The week was full and intense but beautifully intense. On the final day in class, as I was sitting on the floor listening, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I understood what they meant when they said, just before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, because that’s exactly what happened. My entire life flashed before my eyes. I saw every moment, every person, every time anyone ever “hurt me” in any way. Yet I saw them with total compassion, total understanding, and suddenly I knew that everyone lives their own story, their own pain. All I could feel was compassion. Suddenly I felt only Love & Compassion and began to cry; so much so that at break, I literally leaned against a tree outside the room sobbing and the sobbing continued for most of the day.
I was reborn that day and have been reborn more times than I can count since then. I’ve learned that our cells are continually dying and being born and I now feel this all the time.
I went home after that experience a new person and this was when I lived in Tampa. Now, as I am writing, I see this is probably the turning point that had me decide to move to Sarasota. Thus beginning my transmutation…
So, back to Sarasota… I have always related to the Mystics and I wonder if some of what I experienced they experienced? It only makes sense to me when I take in their words and when I read of the Love Affair with the Divine and the Burning….
My life became so intense that I was only able to function when working or dancing or in nature. Eventually I stopped my meditations because the fire became too intense and I thought I would go up in flames. It was a strange mix of sheer bliss and immense torture. Suddenly I FELT everything, all the time. I couldn’t sleep (in retrospect I remember saying all the time I want to wake up, which is not a practical thing to continually tell yourself when you want to sleep). To this day, it is as if I am always awake, never truly asleep, always “working” on some level. Even when I close my eyes, I see light.
Some “experiences” – fire, burning up inside, through menopause very quickly, probably less than a week, intense hot flashes, then cold flashes, so hot, so sensitive it was painful to the touch. Would wear as little clothing as possible, even in cold weather and as soon as I got home I would take everything off because it hurt for anything to touch my skin. Hands so hot I could not have them near my own body because they would heat me up more, intense heat in my feet, and especially in my head. It felt like there was lava flowing through my veins and other extreme times it felt like ice. Either way, it was intensely painful. Yet there were times of intense bliss and always this odd underlying feeling of Peace. Evenings were the worst and I had many experiences of Bliss that were literally full body orgasms, I had “visitations” that often felt like God himself (masculine aspect) came to me and it was more intense than any sexual experience I ever had with a human. I didn’t have to do anything, they just came over me. These times I knew I was making love with the Divine and understood what Rumi, Hafiz and the other mystics were talking about. God & I became One and it was so amazing, so intense that I wasn’t sure my body would survive but I didn’t care. There were other times when it felt quite the opposite, like I was being descended on by something horribly demonic, it was like a rape and I would become so terrified because I could not move and this invisible presence would hold me down, it was if my body was paralyzed to do anything to stop it. This was when I would pray as I never prayed before that God would save me and take this demon away. It was beyond what I can describe. I swear during those times the bed would shake and I felt at times like I was lifted off the bed into the air. Much like you’d see in a horror movie. Very scary stuff and naturally I told no-one.
With all of this intensity I wasn’t sure I would make it, there were times when I thought about putting a gun to my head. Although I never would have followed through on that myself, I wasn’t so sure about this dark presence that overtook me at times. Irregardless of those moments when I “thought about” ending it all, there were mainly times when I knew I wanted to live more than I had ever known. Yet I wasn’t sure my body could withstand the energy coursing through it, the extremes are beyond what I can put into words at the moment. I wanted to write about this as I was going through it but I couldn’t. There was a force that kept me from doing so, I was so overtaken by this whole experience that the only thing I was “allowed to do” was teach, work with my clients and dance. I would sit to do paperwork or any type of work other than clients, the symptoms would become so overpowering I became totally dysfunctional in the “normal world”. So I weathered this experience privately, in my own sanctuary, thankful that I was immersed in the world of BodyTalk and blessed with several friends I could go to for help.
I have always felt I would write this "in a book" and may at some point in the future. For now, I share it here and hope it brings peace, comfort and hope to anyone who may be having any of these crazy "symptoms" and is afraid to share with anyone. I Am HERE to tell you, you are not alone and if I can come through the ashes so can YOU!.
Always, In Love & Gratitude, I AM
I am writing this simply because I cannot not write it…. There is some desire in me that must be expressed and must be shared. I do not need to be witnessed nor do I need anyone else to validate my experience. It is what it is and as strange as it seems
I cannot deny it..
I have known all along I would share yet there were times when I wasn’t even sure I would be around to share. I truly felt at times it would do me in and I would cross to the other side without anyone even noticing. At times the heat was so intense I understood spontaneous combustion and yet it felt I was suspended in time somehow in “between” that actual experience and not quite able to cross over. It felt like I was literally burning up from the inside out. And that was just one of the ways this awakening manifested in me. Other "symptoms" that showed up, as if that weren’t enough, a sensation of things crawling inside of me and often feeling as if I was being attacked from within because there would be sudden sharp stabbing pains as if something literally was stabbing or biting me from within.
So, here goes part of "my story" and I will keep the names of others anonymous for their own respect and privacy.
I came to Sarasota in 2004. I thought it was to further my career and build the BodyTalk Matrix. I had been traveling from Tampa to Sarasota almost weekly it seemed from 1998 until then, taking class after class and workshop after workshop and Satsung after Satsung, seeking myself, the God within me. That had always been a driving force in me from the moment my “crushed head” appeared outside the apparent womb of my mother. But that, is another story for a later time. So I drove continuously, in search of myself, but not truly understanding that, because it was always superceeded by this intense need to make a difference in this world. I always knew I was empathic and literally “felt” the pains of the world. So some”thing” in me kept me continuously searching. I was later to discover there was an actual term for this and we were called “miserable seekers”…
Finally, after killing my car from the constant driving back and forth, I decided to pack up my few belongings and move to Sarasota, where BodyTalk was headquartered. I thought surely I could make a difference here and build this area. It never made sense to me that we were headquartered here and yet there were very few actual practitioners.
So, here I am in Sarasota and my friend invites me to move in with her. Unbeknownst to me, she had also made this invitation to another Breakthrough person, who also took her up on her offer. Suddenly, the 3 of us have moved in together and all 3 are training to be Breakthrough Instructors (another modality that strongly influences the philosophy behind BodyTalk). Three Pisces women all training in Breakthrough. Whew... Suddenly, it was like all of heaven and hell broke loose for the 3 of us. (Breakthrough btw, is a fabulous system that allows you to uncover root issues that trigger you and get more in touch with your authentic Self. For more info, either go to www.bodytalksytem.com or feel free to get in touch with me).
Very quickly I realized I needed to move and found a place nearby where one of my roommates ended up moving in with me. I won't go into the details of our lives and I will tell you we are all 3 still friends.
During this time, I was in Breakthrough training and PaRama BodyTalk Training, I began a type of Trancendental Meditation and meditated 2 hours a day, plus thankfully I had my Nia practice and dance friends which I attribute a great deal to keeping me sane, at least to the outside world.
I won’t go into greater detail about my friends or personal life but I will share with you the immensity of this experience called kundalini and just how it manifested in me.
I do believe the process began for me way before Sarasota. While I was living in Tampa and even throughout my entire life I had experiences I didn’t feel I could share with anyone else, and may save them for a later time if appropriate. For now, I am being called to share this (it’s 340am and I was “told” get up and write) because it is important for someone, I don’t know who, maybe it’s you, to read this story and know that no, you aren’t crazy, or maybe you are but at least you have company in your insanity. Or perhaps you’ve suffered so much physical pain, you don’t feel you’ll ever recover…. Well, I’m here to tell you the body, like Mother Earth, has a resiliency you don’t need to understand, you simply need to acknowledge it and allow the magic to unfold. Your body is constantly renewing itself and we are constantly evolving and being upgraded, much like our computer systems are continuously being upgraded. Trust, that this is part of your evolution, as it is part of the earth’s evolution and know that not only will you recover, you will rebuild into a better “model" of yourself. It is your destiny and the destiny of the earth.
When I moved to Sarasota and moved into Sweetland Avenue, I was amazed at the synchronicities in my life. Suddenly I was living in Sarasota, in a wonderful house on a street named Sweetland, which I drove by one day, noticed the name and literally said out loud, “Sweetland, I want to live on Sweetland”. Less than a week, I did. But it wasn’t always, “sweet”, at least I didn’t always perceive it that way. Another amazing thing I noticed was that I had been born in Lancaster, PA right in the middle of Amish & Pennsylvania Dutch country, and suddenly I was living in Amish & Pennsylvania Dutch country in Sarasota Florida. Instantly I felt this surreal aspect of my life, knowing I was in the right place, but not yet knowing why.
My roommates moved out after a year. I continued my personal path all the while feeling my house on Sweetland was somehow helping me heal my roots, my foundation. For the first time ever, I lived in a house (not an apartment) by myself, a full fledged grown up, taking responsibility for myself, my house, my life. I was and am very grateful for these experiences and this house that so beautifully served me. It is in retrospect, the shattering of my past, the healing of my misperceived wounds and the building of a trust that my foundation is solid and
all is well.
During my Breakthrough Training and all the additional BodyTalk classes I took, I began my meditation of an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I went through a few fleeting but painful relationships, and I worked, I taught, I studied, I practiced, I meditated, I danced. This was pretty much my life. I felt an inner peace that was always present while I went through tumultuous times internally. To the outside world, I had it all together. I helped other people and the whole time I was having my own experiences, which became more and more intense.
During the first PaRama practical at Omega I had a truly alchemical experience. The week was full and intense but beautifully intense. On the final day in class, as I was sitting on the floor listening, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I understood what they meant when they said, just before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, because that’s exactly what happened. My entire life flashed before my eyes. I saw every moment, every person, every time anyone ever “hurt me” in any way. Yet I saw them with total compassion, total understanding, and suddenly I knew that everyone lives their own story, their own pain. All I could feel was compassion. Suddenly I felt only Love & Compassion and began to cry; so much so that at break, I literally leaned against a tree outside the room sobbing and the sobbing continued for most of the day.
I was reborn that day and have been reborn more times than I can count since then. I’ve learned that our cells are continually dying and being born and I now feel this all the time.
I went home after that experience a new person and this was when I lived in Tampa. Now, as I am writing, I see this is probably the turning point that had me decide to move to Sarasota. Thus beginning my transmutation…
So, back to Sarasota… I have always related to the Mystics and I wonder if some of what I experienced they experienced? It only makes sense to me when I take in their words and when I read of the Love Affair with the Divine and the Burning….
My life became so intense that I was only able to function when working or dancing or in nature. Eventually I stopped my meditations because the fire became too intense and I thought I would go up in flames. It was a strange mix of sheer bliss and immense torture. Suddenly I FELT everything, all the time. I couldn’t sleep (in retrospect I remember saying all the time I want to wake up, which is not a practical thing to continually tell yourself when you want to sleep). To this day, it is as if I am always awake, never truly asleep, always “working” on some level. Even when I close my eyes, I see light.
Some “experiences” – fire, burning up inside, through menopause very quickly, probably less than a week, intense hot flashes, then cold flashes, so hot, so sensitive it was painful to the touch. Would wear as little clothing as possible, even in cold weather and as soon as I got home I would take everything off because it hurt for anything to touch my skin. Hands so hot I could not have them near my own body because they would heat me up more, intense heat in my feet, and especially in my head. It felt like there was lava flowing through my veins and other extreme times it felt like ice. Either way, it was intensely painful. Yet there were times of intense bliss and always this odd underlying feeling of Peace. Evenings were the worst and I had many experiences of Bliss that were literally full body orgasms, I had “visitations” that often felt like God himself (masculine aspect) came to me and it was more intense than any sexual experience I ever had with a human. I didn’t have to do anything, they just came over me. These times I knew I was making love with the Divine and understood what Rumi, Hafiz and the other mystics were talking about. God & I became One and it was so amazing, so intense that I wasn’t sure my body would survive but I didn’t care. There were other times when it felt quite the opposite, like I was being descended on by something horribly demonic, it was like a rape and I would become so terrified because I could not move and this invisible presence would hold me down, it was if my body was paralyzed to do anything to stop it. This was when I would pray as I never prayed before that God would save me and take this demon away. It was beyond what I can describe. I swear during those times the bed would shake and I felt at times like I was lifted off the bed into the air. Much like you’d see in a horror movie. Very scary stuff and naturally I told no-one.
With all of this intensity I wasn’t sure I would make it, there were times when I thought about putting a gun to my head. Although I never would have followed through on that myself, I wasn’t so sure about this dark presence that overtook me at times. Irregardless of those moments when I “thought about” ending it all, there were mainly times when I knew I wanted to live more than I had ever known. Yet I wasn’t sure my body could withstand the energy coursing through it, the extremes are beyond what I can put into words at the moment. I wanted to write about this as I was going through it but I couldn’t. There was a force that kept me from doing so, I was so overtaken by this whole experience that the only thing I was “allowed to do” was teach, work with my clients and dance. I would sit to do paperwork or any type of work other than clients, the symptoms would become so overpowering I became totally dysfunctional in the “normal world”. So I weathered this experience privately, in my own sanctuary, thankful that I was immersed in the world of BodyTalk and blessed with several friends I could go to for help.
I have always felt I would write this "in a book" and may at some point in the future. For now, I share it here and hope it brings peace, comfort and hope to anyone who may be having any of these crazy "symptoms" and is afraid to share with anyone. I Am HERE to tell you, you are not alone and if I can come through the ashes so can YOU!.
Always, In Love & Gratitude, I AM